


Your Life is a Porno, Kenny

by BaristaKitty



Category: South Park
Genre: Crenny, K2 - Freeform, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-06
Updated: 2014-05-04
Packaged: 2018-01-18 08:27:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1421464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BaristaKitty/pseuds/BaristaKitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of Kenny centric smut with various pairings, but mostly K2 and Crenny.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Behind Bars (K2)

**Author's Note:**

> The boys wind up locked up in Cuba thanks to Cartman deciding that trying to smuggle drugs out of the country for profit was a good way to spend spring break.  
> Kenny can easily just die and break them out, but first he must tend to his disheveled cellmate.

It was always Cartman’s fault and this time was no different, only now the consequences were beyond getting grounded or having to go to bed without dinner. The four boys were behind bars this time, as young adults, thanks to Eric’s attempt at a get-rich-quick-overseas scheme. Kyle had been suspicious when he had suddenly declared Cuba as an ideal vacation spot for spring break.

“‘C’mon, guys!’ he’d said, ‘all the kewl kids go to Cuba!’ he’d said,” Kyle stated in a mimicking tone as he stared at the bars closing the cell he and Kenny had been assigned to. Their other half had been imprisoned somewhere else in the foreign jail. “We only had to go to Canada to even come here—which is highly illegal as it is! I can’t believe I let him talk us into this. I’m kicking his fat ass when we get out of here. …God damn it!” The redhead crossed his arms, slamming his back against the cold wall. “Seriously, thinking we wouldn’t get caught if he hid fucking cocaine in our bags.” He looked over to Kenny, who was sitting facing away from him, hunched over sadly. “Wait, dude, are you alright?”

The other boy jumped little. “O-Oh, yeah. Sorry.” His voice was a little panicky, as if he’d just been doing something wrong. In fact, that was the exact shaky tone he’d used when cigarettes were found in his locker during high school.

Kyle paced over to him, only to quickly turn away when he realized that his friend was actually jerking off, dick in hand. “Kenny! What the fuck?!” He pinched the bridge of his nose, a habit he’d began sharing with Stan. “Now is not the time!”

The blond rolled his eyes. “Sorry.” He tucked himself back under the waistband of his pants. It wasn’t a secret that he was a slight—okay, maybe he was a complete--nymphomaniac. It helped with the stress of any given situation to just sit back and get himself off, an art he’d become an expert at well during adolescence. He gave a nonchalant shrug. “There isn’t anything else to really do right now.”

Kyle was easily stressed and panicked, more so than the other three boys, and he had a bad habit of initially going into a frenzy before actually thinking clearly enough to develop a plan. But no matter how much he thought about it, unless their life turned into a crossover between Prison Break and Locked up Abroad, they would be stuck here until someone from the US came and got them. If they even would attempt to save them, considering that it was illegal as fuck to even go to Cuba by taking a plane from Canada. And then there’d be repercussions for doing something so highly illegal.

He clinches his fists through his red locks and sat next to his friend. “We are so screwed. Oh my god. We need to think of a plan.”

“I actually already have one.” Kenny placed a comforting hand on his shoulder and gave him a reassuring smile.

“What? What could you—“

“Just trust me on this, Kyle.” He placed a finger across his lips to shush him up. “I’m going to get us out of here, it may just take a little bit of time. But first, dude, you really gotta calm your tits. You’re going to get another ulcer if you’re not careful.”

“I know…” The other gave a heavy sigh.

“Before I get us out, though, I need you not as worried. So.” Kenny moved his face closer to Kyle’s and gave him a quick peck on the lips. “Let me get you off first.”

“Dammit, Kenny, you’re just thinking with your dick.” He crossed his arms, gave the other an apprehensive look, and then finally slouched his shoulders when Kenny’s smug expression didn’t falter. “Fine, but you’d better really have something in mind.”

Having won his friend over (and it wasn’t as if they’d never done anything before, anyway), the sly blond got to work quickly palming the crotch of Kyle’s pants as to harden him up. He’d actually already thought of the solution to this entire ordeal when they were booked in and due to a language barrier, couldn’t even try to explain to the police what had happened. It’d take a while for him to actually make it back here after he died, so he at least wanted to leave Kyle a little more relaxed. Even if he wouldn’t be able to remember why.

“Sh-shit…” Kyle gasped, quickly cupping a hand over his mouth. “I dunno, what if we get caught?”

“People always do gay things in jail.  But with the way you’re already getting a hard on, I wonder if you’re maybe some kind of secret exhibitionist.” Kenny smirked up at him mischievously and yanked down the other’s pants to see his work.

Kyle looked away, cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “Am not.” But it wasn’t like he could say no even if he wanted to. He _did_ need to get his mind off of their current predicament, after all, and his friend had a certain knack for this kind of thing.

He cupped his hand over his mouth to keep himself from letting out a shuddery cry when Kenny swirled his tongue along the base of his cock. He wondered to himself just how often he did this, calming their circle of friends like this during emotional turmoil. They’d messed around with each other for years now, on and off, casually helping one another masturbate during sleepovers and practicing their kissing skills (“just to practice for girls”—yeah, right). Kenny had always been the go-to for them when it came to anything sexual, seeing as how nothing at home was ever filtered for them.

Kyle managed a weak “fuck” under his breath as the blond took a few inches into mouth and he found himself biting into his index finger. He wasn’t very good at keeping quiet, and normally he’d be panting and moaning like a bitch by now.  
The deepthroating that followed was too much for him, the wet walls surrounding his dick tightening with every breath Kenny took between sucking him off.  
With a constrained buck of his hips, Kyle came all too quickly into his friend’s mouth. He quickly shielded his eyes in embarrassment. “S-sorry, dude…”

Kenny pulled himself away, swallowed, and wiped a thread of saliva from the side of his lips. “You know I don’t mind.” He couldn’t help but grin at the way Kyle was sitting there, peeking out at him between his fingers. “Better?”

“Yeah. Thanks.” He collected himself as best he could, pulling his pants back up over his now flaccid member. He pat the spot next to him on the bed. “I’ll do you now. I mean, I did interrupt you earlier and all.”

“Nah, I’ll be alright. You can pay me back when we get home.” Kenny stood and let out a yawn as he stretched his arms into the air. “I gotta die first, though.” It was unavoidable, unless

“Then I won’t remember to pay you back.” Kyle tried to make it sound as if that were the only reason he was suddenly not as sure about Kenny’s plan. He knew of his friend’s immortality and his own amnesia that followed it, but the haunting fear of _this may be the time he doesn’t come back_ nagged at him on every occurrence. What if Kenny didn’t come back, and Kyle never remembered? He credited this dread to his own paranoid thinking, but even the possibility was enough to unnerve him.

“I won’t let you forget.” His ocean tinted eyes scanned the small cell. He didn’t have much to work with as far as suicide went. “This is gonna hurt,” he decided. “You may wanna look away.”  
He didn’t check to see if Kyle had heeded his warning; he simply approached the bars, jammed his head through them with the force of a triceratops, pulled back, and twisted as hard as he could until he felt the snap of his brainstem.

~x~x~x

This time he had the pleasure of arriving in Hell, opening his eyes to see the antichrist sitting across a gazebo in the underworld, holding a coffee cup designed with rubber ducks.

“Your life is a porno, Kenny.” Damien offered him the hot beverage, keeping a straight face.

He first rubbed at the back of his neck just to assure himself that the injury had already healed up, then graciously accepted. He took a drink; for the son of the incarnate of evil, Damien definitely had a pansy taste in coffee. It was more like a concoction of caramel and lava.

He let out a sigh, resting his chin upon the palm of his hand as he overlooked a courtyard of wilting wildflowers and brown grass. “Yeah. I know.”


	2. Suitor Selection (Crenny)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SoT verse; Princess Kenny must choose a bachelor in order to inherit her unicorn throne, and Craig makes her an offer that she can't refuse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot more fun writing this than I should have.

“The Unicorn-born must choose which bachelor she wants as her prince, her knight, and her bitch.” The grand wizard pointed his staff at the princess in question and carefully eyed the four applicants before him. Kenny couldn’t suppress a grin as she sat on what was normally the throne of the grand wizard, legs crossed ladylike and vague hints of red across her cheeks powdered cheeks.   
Tweak, Clyde, Butters, and Craig—no, Feldspar--stood before her. Today was a special event in the land of humans and elves, and it was the wizard’s duty to see to it that Kenny selected the partner of her choosing for her inauguration ceremony at Horny Bridge, where her unicorn kinsmen awaited to grant her the queenhood of Rainbowland.   
“This is dumb,” Craig blurted.  
“God dammit, Craig, shut your fuckin’ mouth.” Cartman slammed his staff to the ground. “Everyone else thought that Feldspar’s hamster rescue arc was stupid but no one said anything and now it’s Kenny’s turn!”  
“Guinea pigs.”  
“Whatever!”  
Feldspar crossed his arms with an eyeroll. “Just get on with it.”

By some great cosmic mistake, Princess Kenny had been born as not only the wrong social class (poor as fuck), but the wrong sex, and in her small, conservative village she’d been made a mockery of prior to meeting the grand wizard. She’d discovered her roots one fateful day when, after a heated argument regarding how she viewed herself, a rainbow crashed into her home, murdering both of her parents and blowing their flesh to confetti. A messenger from the heavens came bearing a chalice that contained a magical concoction that tasted of vanilla swirled with sprinkles.   
The majestic unicorn before her told of the princess’s soul becoming lost in the human world (she’d been murdered by a cyborg werewolf and the entire kingdom was now in tatters) and offered the potion to her.  
 _Drink this and embrace your destiny as our only hope, Princess Kenny!_

Cue what Kenny imagined to be a magical girl transformation with a galaxy patterned background and ribbons that snaked around her body and morphed into a lacey orange dress while her hair suddenly grew long and her body developed curves of femininity.  
She’d one day be granted her kingdom and be the one responsible for restoring it to the former glory of the Pegasus, but that would require her choosing a king.   
And so, during this dire war between humans and elves, Kenny had made the decision to embrace her untapped powers to assist her allies.

Cartman finished giving a speech about how, once Princess Kenny had access to all of her Unicorn-born powers, he would kick elven ass and then “that stupid Jewelf will be groveling at my feet and sucking my balls”, he stepped to the side so that Kenny could make her decision.  
“Suitors! Make your proposals. Down the line.”

“I-I’m too young to be a king!” Tweak’s neck jerked to the side. He bit on his nails. “Don’t pick me! Fuck! Please, no!”  
“I wouldn’t mind being picked,” Clyde admitted indifferently. “I’m tired of guarding the Stick.”  
“Princess Kenny, I’ll make you a good husband!” Butters piped up excitedly and offered her a dandelion he’d just picked from the backyard. “I promise!”  
Silence. The room’s attention turned to the next bachelor.  
Cartman hit Feldspar on the head with his staff. “Make your proposal, asshole!”  
The thief winced in recoil and sighed. “Oh, great, beautiful, Princess Kenny,” he sighed in monotone. “Please, accept a lowly melee class such as myself to take your hand and guide you by the hand to your divine otherworldly semi-godhood, to love you, hold you, and cherish you until the end of my days.”

“Ohhh, Feldspar!” Kenny giggled into her glove, batting her eyelashes at him in a suggestive manner. “Do you really mean it? You’ll be my prince forever?”  
Feldspar’s face remained void of any emotion. “Yes.”  
“Then I pick you!”  
Before he could give a mocking “oh, yay”, the princess had darted from the throne to wrap her arms suffocatingly tight around his waist and press her soft lips to his cheek (she may or may not have taken from chapstick from Karen’s room).

Tweak looked as relieved as he could, right eye twitching, and Clyde just shrugged. The only person to look genuinely disappointed was Butters, who just slumped his shoulders in defeat and tosses the dandelion to the side.

“The princess has chosen!” The wizard declared, throwing up his arms for emphasis. “Men! We will soon have the unicorns of Rainbowland as our allies for battle against the elves. But first, Princess and Kenny must make this agreement legit. Feldspar must have sex with her in the treehouse, and shortly after a unicorn will come to give Kenny her special powers.”

“What? No way, dude!” Craig was attempting to push Kenny form him. “Feldspar works alone.”  


X~x~x

It was just a part of the game. That was how Craig was attempting to justify this situation—one he’d gotten himself into with his own witty comment. The treehouse had been set up as some sort of honeymoon hotel, with hearts drawn on the wooden walls with pink marker and some pillows in the corner as bedding.  
Below, the rest of the boys had begun a card game by the merchant shop.  
After a few minutes of awkwardly looking at one another, Craig peered out the window. “Okay, we’re done. The unicorn messenger brought Kenny’s powers and all that.”  
“You’re a fucking liar, Feldspar! Hurry before the elves invade!”  
He slumped into the corner, scowling at Kenny who had taken post sitting next to him atop the feather filled cushions. Craig hated him and his friends, so why were they playing together, again?

“This is the gayest thing ever.”  
“I’m a girl, so it can’t be gay, man. No homo here. Not that I would mind homo.” Kenny didn’t turn off her female voice, which she had managed to perfect over the months of the game. She broke back into character. “Feldspar, I-I am nervous. For I have not yet been touched by a man.” Lies.  
So he was really intending on going to go through with this? With putting on the pure maiden act?  
 _Fine, I’ll play along._  
Craig cleared his throat, and Feldspar spoke. “Princess.” He knelt before her, clasped her hand, and gave the glove a chaste kiss. “Fear not. For I will treat you carefully and assure that the loss of your virginity is a pleasant experience.”  
Kenny giggled, cupping her free hand over her mouth. “Please do,” she mumbled. “I’m yours to do as you please, brave Feldspar.”

_Just part of the game. Relax._  
He might as well enjoy it, because Kenny will.  
With the expressed permission of his lady, Feldspar took in a contemplative breath and gazed into her eager cerulean eyes. He averted a glance to the corner of the treehouse, then swiftly jerked forward to brush their lips together. It was a little awkward, just lightly pressing against one another in the stillness, until Kenny parted her mouth and glided her tongue across his; he tasted like pop rocks and Aquafresh toothpaste. Not at all what she’d been expecting, but it was pleasant.   
Feldspar placed a hand on her corseted side and thumbed at her hip bone (she was bonier than he’d thought), continuing his nudging into the heated kissing.  
“Mmmn…My thief prince.” Kenny took a breath, a thread of saliva occupying the inches between their faces. “Please.” She moved a lock of her blond hair from where it’d fallen over her eyes and discreetly rubbed at the back of her neck to pull the wig back into place.

“How eager, my princess.” Feldspar didn’t know now whether or not his monotone was reflecting sarcasm. “Did the grand wizard supply this room with any soul bonding potion?”  
“I…I don’t think so.” Kenny bit her lip. “But, that’s fine. We must make haste. The elven army could be approaching, even now.” She knew that wasn’t likely, though, considering that the elf king had explicitly stated via a messenger raven that he was too busy with homework to attend to his kingdom today.

Feldspar couldn’t help but wonder how the hell Cartman expected them to do anything without any lube. He suppressed a sigh and moved back to sit against the wall, gaping his legs. “Then you must prepare me yourself, Princess.”   
Inwardly, Craig was cackling. Was Kenny _actually_ going to suck his dick?  
Yes. Yes, he was.  
“Of course.” Kenny gave him a confident smile and crawled over to him on all fours, the frills under her dress rising to reveal a pink, lacey thong that had his her own manhood in a chokehold. Craig couldn’t help but stare. Kenny’s body was actually easily passable for a female’s, given his lean physique and slender limbs.

The princess unbuckled his belt with delicate, painted red nails and took the semi-hard shaft into her mouth without hesitation, as if she’d done this dozens of times over.   
Feldspar shuddered at the warm sensation, at knowing that the tongue he’d just been getting a good taste of was now swirling around the head of his cock and sliding across the slit as if it were the most delicious thing the royal had ever tasted. He instinctively jerked his hips forward to meet the warm, moist canyon; the entirety of his lower body was on fire.   
He moaned quietly as to not give the assholes below something to feel satisfied about, combing his fingers through Kenny’s golden locks, squeezing when she’d taken him in to the hilt. She constricted her throat and hollowed her cheeks out for another two seconds, then quickly pulled away.

“I do believe that you’re ready now, my love,” She gasped as she removed herself, lips swollen and eyes watering.  
“I am.” Feldspar wiped the residual drool from her chin with his sleeve in an automated gesture of affection. He eased her down onto her back. He could see now that the dress sleeves were slipping down her chest that Kenny had actually stuffed an A cup bra with small, double bagged water balloons. If not for the fact that he was already hard, he would have been tempted to pop them with his lock pick. He flipped the bottom half of the silky dress forward so that he could get a decent view of her ass.   
For Kenny being so small, he _did_ have a nice one.

Feldspar moved the thong to the side and pushed her knees forward. He gave his cock a few strokes as to assure that the ever drying saliva would still suffice, pushed the head forward, and slid the head of himself inside of her with more ease than he’d been expecting. He kept his eyes glued to her face as he inched further; she gave him an intoxicated half smile, arms sprawled carelessly to the side.

“Y-You’re okay,” she whispered. “Keep going. Fuck me senseless.”   
Craig was about fifty percent sure that the male Kenny speaking, but he obliged, grabbed her by the waist and gripping her tightly as he began thrusting into the tight hole.  
It was much more constricting than her mouth had been, pulling him in and squeezing him for his seed. Feldspar couldn’t take it. This wasn’t going to last and he knew it—what if Kenny laughed at him after this for coming too quickly?—but there was no time to waste because Princess Kenny needed this done, no, the team needed this done, so that they could gain the upperhand against the elves. Right? Right!

“Princess, I’m going to—“ It was so animalistic, the way he jerked her body forward to meet his, the way she was gasping and moaning like a bitch in heat, and the way he was actually taking carnal pleasure in this. He thought to himself that Kenny McCormick was a good fuck for a reason, and this was it. He let his body collapse on top of hers, and he gave her a sloppy kiss, the lower half of his body still desperately singing in lust.

“Come in me, Feldpar~”

The thief needed no further command than that, and emptied himself within her. She emitted a pleased humming noise and kissed him back at the warm sensation of becoming so full with her prince of choice. He rode out his orgasm and panted, half wondering at which point he’d broken out into a sweat.

Craig composed himself and steadied himself on his elbows. “Are you satisfied, _Princess Kenny_?”

She nodded and made that princessy giggle that she’d developed so well. “Yes.” She covered her mouth with both hands shyly and glanced away. “Feldspar, I-I think I might really like you.”

Craig wasn’t sure now just where to go from here--from this awkward, perspiration mess that they’d both become. He pulled himself out of Kenny and sighed, then tucked his flaccid penis back into his pants.

“Guys!” Cartman’s voice screeched from the land below. “What is taking so long? It’s gotten late so now everyone has to go home! We’ll continue tomorrow!”

“Oops.” Kenny commented, more to himself, and removed his wig. It was already falling off and it was a pain to keep it steady during their entire sex session. His natural blond hair was a mess, though, wisps sticking up here and there from where he’d been in costume all day. They were themselves now and the game was on hold until tomorrow, a reality that anchored in their stomachs. There was no set way on how to interact now, aside from their normal attitudes towards one another.

“‘Oops’ nothing, you took too long.” Craig cut back as he stood to his feet on the defense.

“Hey, that’s no way to talk to your fiancé!” He tried to sound hurt, but just chuckled at his own words and gave Craig a mischievious grin.

“Don’t get the wrong idea. I still hate you, McCormick.” He tugged his toboggan down over his eyes as he turned away and made a beeline for the ladder.

“I love you, too Feldspar~”


	3. You're Not Gonna Die (Stenny)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stan finds himself going to Kenny after his most recent breakup with Wendy and Kenny attempts to offer some encouragement.

It’d been at least a dozen times now, but no matter how annoying it was to listen to Stan’s bitching about Wendy, Kenny could never turn him away when he’d show up on his doorstep decked out in his Edgar Allen Poe shirt and trip pants darker than “that bitch’s heart”. By the time Stan had collected himself enough to pay his friend a visit, he’d already downed half a bottle of vodka, so his stance was somewhat wobbly. He leaned against the doorframe.

“H-Hey, Ken.” He sniffled and wiped the edge of his nose with a gloved finger. “You, uh, busy, dude?”

Kenny shook his head, paying the drunken slurs from the kitchen no mind. He really hadn’t been doing anything, just working on a 500 piece jigsaw with Karen who had gotten bored of it about an hour ago. “You wanna go somewhere?”

“Yeah.”

Today it was a deserted Stark’s Pond.

Stan plopped onto the bench and hunched over defeatedly, elbows on knees. He let out a long, exasperated sigh.  
“I’m such a piece of shit. That’s why she keeps leaving me.”  
Kenny didn’t bother to ask what had resulted in the breakup this time, but instead took his place next to his friend and wrapped a supportive arm around his shoulder.  
Kyle got frustrated with having to hear about her, but Kenny was able to see past how tedious every ordeal was because he could see the core issue here.

It wasn’t necessarily Wendy and her “cheating whore ways”, but it was Stan—how he was so desperate for someone to love him and to not be alone, that he’d take her back no matter how many times she dumped him when she found someone more exciting. He was afraid of losing their history together, and thus losing an important part of himself.  
They’d been on and off again since fourth grade, and despite all of their disagreements, there had been some good times, too, and those were memories that Stan could never make with anyone else. Because they were way past their elementary days and childhood sweethearts didn’t exist anymore—just flings or girls that he had no history with. He’d have to _make_ history with someone else, and he didn’t want to do that because when it came down to it, that kind of risk wasn’t worth the gamble because there was a greater chance than not that he’d just wind up in the same position. Over and over again until he died alone.  
Stan didn’t want to be alone, but he didn’t want to reach out to someone who would eventually follow the same path as Wendy after he’d invested just as much time, effort, and emotion into them.  
He was stuck in a state of self-loathing dissonance.

“I fucking hate this.”  
“I know, dude. “

If he felt as if he were actually worth a relationship despite hailing from the bloodline of white trash in South Park, Kenny would have felt the similar.  
As it was, he didn’t date as to specifically avoid situations like this. He didn’t want to feel any more heartbreak than he had to.

“What am I supposed to do?”  
“How would I know? Stan, sometimes people just aren’t worth it. You have to just cut your losses with them. I know, you guys have been together since forever, but if you keep going like this she’s only gonna have more of a pull on you. More of your time. Sometimes you have to cut your losses.”

Stan wiped at his reddened eyes and looked out to the lake. “I guess so.”

Kenny wasn’t sure why it was always him that Stan went to for relationship advice, given that he’d never had a successful, healthy arrangement himself.  
Maybe it was because he’d never cried over a girl.

“You just have to not get attached. It’d be nice to have romance like a Disney movie or whatever, but that shit isn’t real, man. You don’t have to have a childhood friend you promised to marry. Life isn’t a fucking Key game, either.” Kenny withdrew a pack of Marlboros from his jacket pocket and offered Stan one.

The black haired boy declined. “So I’m supposed to just not love anyone?”

“You can love all the people you want, dude. Just don’t make them your entire life. You get obsessed really easy. No offense.”

“Yeah. Guess you’re right.” There wasn’t anything else to it. Kenny _was_ right, and Stan damn well knew that he had a mentality that could get tangled up around thing all too easily.

The conversation ended there, with Stan dwelling on his friend’s words. Kenny gave him a quick peck on the cheek. “You’ll be okay, though, dude. You’re not gonna die.”

Stan huffed and tried to suppress a smile. “Thanks. I’ll try not to.”  
It might take another week of writing poetry in that old tattered journal he kept hidden under his mattress, but Kenny was right. He’d go on, and at the very least he knew that he’d always have not only Kenny, but his super best friend and even Cartman.

He would never be completely alone in this fucked up world. Did Wendy have his back when he’d fallen apart the first time because of her? No! Kyle had been the one trying to pull him out of his puddle of eyeliner stained tears.  
Had Wendy supported his quest to eliminate veal meat? Had she spent days and days locked up in his room with him with dozens of baby calves as to assure that they didn’t die? No, she hadn’t!  
All along it had been the other boys. Now that he really thought about it, losing Wendy (again) was absolutely nothing compared to what he would feel if his friends were to drop out of his life.  
Why _did_ he ever even like Wendy to begin with, anyway? Because she was cute? Because she was a girl? And because he’d been brought up with boys dating girls being the norm?  
Stan let himself process these questions for a good few moments with a blank, absentminded expression.

Kenny waved a hand in front of his face. “Dude?”

“Hey, y’know what—“ Stan shook his head, suddenly finding a different tune. “Fuck it. This is stupid! This is so dumb, seriously, this is some fucked up shit right here.”

“Hell, yeah, it is!”

“And you know what else, Kenny? I realized something today.” Stan stood up, hands in his pockets. “Why the hell should a girlfriend be so important, anyway? Because one day you may marry her and pop out kids to keep the human race going? Fuck that, dude! There are enough people on this planet! I’ve spent so much time crying over Wendy that I didn’t realize, it’s been you guys all along!”

He threw his hands up into a shrugging position. “I have more fun memories with you guys—you, Kyle, and even Cartman when he isn’t being an asshole. By all rights, you guys should be more important to me than any girl! You once told me, Kenny, ‘bitches come and go but bros are forever’ and I think I get what you mean now. From now on, you guys are number one in my life! And fuck it if it sounds gay!”

Kenny blinked, wondering if he alone had caused this sudden revelation in his friend or if perhaps the thoughts had been churning somewhere in his mind all along. “That _is_ kinda gay, but hey, we can all just be homo together.” He laughed, only half joking with his statement.

“That’s what I’m talking about!” Stan crossed his arms and gave a firm nod, though he didn’t fully understand what the blond was proposing until after he’d agreed. “And Cartman can call me a faggot all he wants, but he’s talked about gay shit more than anyone.”

Kenny propelled himself from the bench and moved over to take the other boy’s hands in his own. “Well if you’re gonna start being gay, dude, let me give you something to start you off.”

“Like a gay starter kit?”

“Better.”

Kenny gave Stan a light tug towards himself and pressed forward so that their lips met. Stan hesitated at first, but closed his eyes and relaxed into the sensation of his friend’s tongue gliding into his mouth. It was like the kisses he would give Wendy, only she’d complain if he tasted of alcohol and then proceed to interrogate him as to why he had been drinking. Kenny didn’t seem to mind though, going so far as to give a satisfied sound when he pulled away for air.

“Vodka?” He guessed.

Stan nodded, still a little perplexed as to the make out that had just occurred. He hadn’t kissed a guy in years (since the “practice kissing” he and Kyle had participated in back in middle school), but it felt…right.

“Oh, yeah, dude, you’re totally gay.” Kenny pressed the palm of his hand against the other’s crotch. He was hard, alright. “Want me to jack you off?”

“Y-You don’t have to do that, man, I mean—“ He was going to insist that Kenny had already more than helped him tonight, what with putting up with his bitching, but the blond had already unbuttoned and zipped down his pants with the swiftness of a pro.

“It’s fine. I _am_ the best at this sort of thing.”

Typical Kenny, Stan thought, bragging about his sexual expertise.

Shaft in hand, Kenny gave his friend a few slow strokes, watching with a certain smugness as the length only continued rise. He knelt down, took the head into his mouth, and lathered the top half with his saliva. Stan took the other’s blond locks in his fist. “Sh-shit, dude…”

This was something that girls _never_ did for him, not unless they wanted something. They treated putting his dick in their mouth like some kind of chore, and here was Kenny deep throating him. It only lasted for a few seconds, but it was enough to cause him to nearly lose his balance.

“Had to make slick; didn’t wanna be too rough.”

He resumed the motions, stopping only for half a second here and there to thumb the slit, jerking his friend off without hesitation. Stan’s hips bucked forward involuntarily; he didn’t want to cum too early, but god damn it if this was too good. Kenny only grinned at seeing how much pleasure he was bringing his friend, who had been in tears just an hour ago over someone who probably had never even done this for him. It was an advantage of playing for the same team—boys know exactly what boys like and how they like it.

Stan did come faster than he would have liked, accidentally spurting onto Kenny’s face. “S-Sorry!”

“You’re fine.” Kenny nonchalantly wiped the white goo from his cheek, then glazed his tongue along the head once more to clean the remaining droplets of semen before neatly tucking Stan’s dick back into his pants. He even zipped him back up and refastened the buttons.

“There you go, dude. Feel better?” He stood up and gave him a confident pat on the shoulder.

The black haired boy could only nod, hoping that his face wasn’t _too_ red. He rubbed the back of his neck. “Thanks, Kenny…”

The two smiled at each other knowingly, and Kenny was all too eager to take his hand and lace their fingers together. Stan had a feeling he would like this arrangement even more.

“C’mon, it’s getting late and I have some homework to do.”

“You forgot again—dammit, I did, too.” In all of his moping around, Stan had neglected his schoolwork. “I guess we could ask Kyle to copy his tomorrow.”

“Or we could go over to his house right now? I’m sure he’ll be happy to hear that you’re done with the whole girl thing?”

“What the hell. Yeah, let’s go.”


End file.
